[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
When I said I liked it rough.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.