I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
More like Kate Missington.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Pass gas, not judgment.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”