Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too