you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
You Might Also Like
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu