[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Human are so complicated
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.