My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The struggle is real.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.