that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
You Might Also Like
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If I text you “đ¤đĽşđđ¤Śââď¸đđĽđ¤¨đđđđđ¤Śââď¸đđ¤Śââď¸đđ¤Śââď¸đđđđđ¤đđđâ¤ď¸đ𤨔 it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Buy a man a tee and heâll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and youâll have trouble housing your new pet
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
iâm âmy bladder is my alarm clockâ years old.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
i hate daylight savings. itâs gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher đđ đ
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If your job doesnât have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Donât say anything just do it and donât answer any questions about it either
âand it goes without saying…â
*proceeds to say it*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls đ
Me to client: Is there anywhere else youâre purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didnât mean it like that!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background âaccidentallyâ so women know they can afford meat
What the dentist sees
I just changed all my passwords to âkennyââŚ
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
not now darling, mummyâs influencing on the www.