everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
no their not
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.