Wait a minute…
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.