Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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Going into Monday like
So that’s what we looked like?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird