If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?