Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.