Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.