[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.