*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
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We have a winner.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Noah
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
me logging onto twitter
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.