Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax