[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]