Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.