*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My current situation
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.