My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You Might Also Like
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.