Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
so weird how every mom was born today
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
you will never know the true number of layers
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics