trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.