Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR