The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’m aging like a fine banana
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”