I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.