Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time