[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.