Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My sex drive has a dui
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
it’s finally my moment to shine
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The French cow says MEUX…
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!