I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me