Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
guys i’ve cracked the code
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.