a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?