[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Found the job I’m suited for
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.