I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol