*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Well well well…
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No