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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
good work, detective
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.