Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did