You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Pretty much. 🤣
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does