Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it