I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Going to church you guys need anything
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.