A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
RT if you could go either way.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
You have been warned.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob