Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Raisins are grape jerky.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
oh shit
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”