If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults