Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny