It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Bike for sale
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
🤣🤣
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day