My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Worth remembering.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
men, we mow at sunrise.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.