1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
This did not end as expected.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?