when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
respect
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.