I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.