Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
was Jim off killing horses or…
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.