I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Still laughing at this stupid meme
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Ah yes. The three genders
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*