Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
good morning
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY